The Tories have gone Full Metal Bastard.
Having achieved an unexpected majority and therefore a mandate to write their very own George Orwell novel, the gloves are off and the iron-spiked fisting gauntlets are well and truly on. Making the move from EVEL to Evil, David Cameron has decided to repeal the ban on fox hunting because nothing says ‘humane culling’ like a pack of braying, snarling hounds chasing down a terrified animal, accompanied by dogs.
The Hunt is of course a very British country tradition which encourages people of all backgrounds* to participate, especially those who enjoy blowing on wee trumpets and being ‘blooded’, just like the good old days at boarding school.
Supporters have claimed that hunting actually benefits the fox population by weeding out the weak and diseased animals so that only the strongest and most cunning survive to pass on their genes. Voters in Scotland tried the same technique with Labour but it’s difficult to reproduce when there’s only one of you.
Expect the next five years to produce the UKs first kitten cull and the legalisation of budgie baiting.
*subject to rank, income, title, race and political bent.
The debate over our furry vulpine friends effectively relegated the story of Faslane whistleblower William McNeilly to ‘other news’, which must have come as a relief to the government in a ‘right, we need all you hack bastards to push this fox business’ kind of way. Mr McNeilly suggested nuclear weapons are in fact very very dangerous things, occasionally accompanied by very, very stupid people. Things have to be bad for a serving soldier to go native. From 2000 to 2009 there were 587 ‘nuclear incidents’ at Faslane and if the phrase ‘nuclear incidents’ doesn’t freeze your blood then nothing will.
Mindful of the public turning against our phallic protectors of Freedom and to present a more tolerable face, the government has opted to rename our Vanguard class submarines at a special ceremony broadcast live on CBeebies and hosted by Justin from Justin’s House. HMS Tinky Winky, Dipsy , LaLa and Po will resume their previous operations although the new launch command will be ‘Tubby Bye Bye’ and victims of nuclear accidents will be reclassified as ‘Tubby Toast’.
Despite recent press speculation, convoys carrying nuclear weapons through built up areas will not be known as the Ninky Nonk.
In an attempt to transform the United Kingdom into an actual Dickens novel the Tories intend to abolish the Human Rights Act and replace it with one of their own, minus the Rights. We will still have the Right to free healthcare, if we can afford it.
Immigrants will still have the Right to claim benefits, just not in this country. All across the UK employers are solemnly declaring,
Nice One Dave.
It’s going to an interesting five years.