The Killing Fields of Cumbernauld

When I was a kid I loved Lord of the Rings so much I thought Middle Earth was a real place, partly due to Tolkiens rich and elaborate prose but mostly because I was 10 and a bit stupid. The power to create a believable fantasy is a wonderful gift that can transport the reader to new worlds fantastic and terrible but we know they’re works of fiction. Cue the fevered imaginings of an alternative Scottish future courtesy of the Better Together Comedy Troupe and their media cohorts. The mind of your average staunch No voter must be like Dantes fucking Inferno……….

2016, or Year Zero as the media will call it, will see Scotland transformed from a vibrant modern society into a third world dictatorship riven by division. Salmond or Uncle Alex as he prefers to be known will appoint the Wings Over Scotland brownshirts as his official bodyguard. They will be responsible for rounding up English settlers and placing them in makeshift detention centres in Asda car parks for ‘re-education’. Despite the fact that the Pope (!) was behind Scottish secession, Catholics will be hunted down and persecuted by unruly mobs along with Pakistanis, Poles, Seventh Day Adventists and Jedi knights.
Terrorist organisations will find a new home in an independent Scotland. Al Qaeda, Hamas, HYDRA and the Legion of Doom will base their headquarters in Park Circus and have listings in the phone book, though new recruits will have to be brought in by sea, all Scottish airports having been bombed by the RAF.

The UKs refusal to remove Trident will see a partition of the country and the installing of a Vichy-esque government in Helensburgh. No voters from across the country will flock to this haven of democracy which has the added benefit of still using the pound rather than the devalued Scottish Groat. Lack of oil resources, Scotland’s only source of revenue, due to the Royal Navys blockade and redirection of pipelines lead to widespread poverty, though this won’t be widely publicised by the biased Scottish Broadcasting Corporation headed by director general Derek Bateman.

Without access to the EU, trade will collapse and the only growth industry left will involve the construction of massive statues of Uncle Alex in a Saddam-like pose. Public sector recruitment will drop as the requirement to speak Gaelic and the ability to say ‘geezannuradodarat’ in a convincing Scottish accent deters non Scots from applying for positions. Tourism will suffer as Scotland makes Lonely Planets list of ‘Countries That Used to be Cool But Are Now Really Shit’ and stringent border controls will discourage visitors from the rest of the UK.

Let’s face it, with independence, were fucked.

Ok so it’s a bit over the top but every example has been quoted, with my own added exaggeration, by the No campaign or posters on social networks. It’s difficult to contemplate how relatively sane and normal people can imagine their country disintegrating with the simple act of self determination. Proof will come in due course that autonomy and our will to succeed can create a Scotland that is far removed from the above description.

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