To: All Group Organisers
As we approach the final weeks of the referendum campaign we have decided to adjust our structure and the way we disseminate information with a view to maximising media focus. This will entail the creation or renaming of several groups.
Better Together will now be known as Britains Best Campaign (BBC) The BBC will be firmly on message and have responsibility for relaying important information in support of the union.
New groups include Labour Idealists Against Radical Separation (LIARS). This group will emphasise the dangers of independence and gather news damaging to the yes campaign. Youth ambassadors Friendly Union Debaters (FUDS) will focus on the positives of a strong union and Together With All True Scots (TWATS) will accentuate the essential similarities between all Britons.
Those voters who are undecided or leaning towards yes have now been classified as Scottish Citizens Unconvinced of Membership (SCUM).
There will be a reclassification of categories of information to be distributed with two main threads. Shared History In Troubles (SHIT), the focus of which shall be examples of cooperation between UK nations at times of national emergency and Problems Involved in Scottish Hegemony (PISH), a self explanatory thread exploring the difficulties facing an independent Scotland.
The BBC will attempt to disseminate as much PISH as possible, especially to less informed SCUM. The bulk of their output will be provided by LIARS though TWATS have a significant role to play as talking heads. FUDS will talk SHIT to SCUM at a grassroots level though due to a lack of FUDS in Scotland we may have to bus some in.
Leaflets printed will be mostly SHIT with elements of PISH and will be heavily endorsed by LIARS and TWATS through the BBC.
To conclude, LIARS, FUDS, TWATS and the BBC have an important role in convincing SCUM to vote No. We must distribute as much PISH and SHIT as possible in the time remaining without allowing SCUM to suspect we are talking CRAP (CRAP).