September 19th 2014. A TV screen shows a reporter interviewing David Cameron on Downing Street. The reporter wears a red, white and blue dress with a badge stating ‘BBC says Naw’. Cameron winks at someone off camera and turns to face the reporter.
“Prime Minister, you must be overjoyed that Scotland has voted to stay in the union”
DC – “Well of course Sally it’s wonderful that the Scottish people have chosen to remain in our family of nations. I like to think they voted with their hearts above all else”
“Bollocks!”
The camera pulls back from the screen to reveal the interior of Labour Party headquarters. Gordon Brown, Ed Miliband, Johann Lamont and George Osborne sit together on a sofa facing the screen. Alastair Darling sits on a chair beside them.
AD – “There’s no need for that language Gordon”
Brown launches a sheaf of Better Together leaflets at Alastairs head
GB – “F**k off Darling, that poncy tw*t is taking all the credit!”
JL – “He’s right by the way so he is. We did that, no him, alicsammin”
EM – “Come on now guys, it was a team effort! We done it for team UK!”
GB – “Shut it bacon boy, so why have half the Tory party been interviewed and not us!”
BBC – “You’ve been praised for running a very shrewd campaign, using well known faces from the Labour Party to appeal to Scottish voters. At times your strategy appeared to be failing with the Yes campaign gaining ground in the run up to the referendum”
JL – “That’s us by the way, she said us alicsammin!”
GB – “Shut it GM I’m trying to listen”
GO – “GM?”
EM – “Genetically Modified”
JL – “Ah don’t like that nickname so ah don’t alicsammin”
DC – “Sally it was important to show the people of Scotland that we cared and wanted them to stay in the bosom of the union; cross party unity played a factor of course but the valuable information provided by the government proved the vital factor in the end”
Brown fires a teacup at the TV
GB – ” What a c**t. Have you seen the latest popularity ratings? We’re lower than an Irish immigrant on the titanic!”
AD – “I’m sure with some hard work and the support of our loyal, er, supporters we’ll turn it around before the election next year”
GB – “Not with you on board ya f*d, Salmond wiped his fat, hairy a**e with you in that debate!”
JL – “ooh ah hate him alicsammin so ah dae alicsammin”
EM – “Come on now Gordon you know that wasn’t a fair debate. They kept asking questions. And they wanted answers!”
The door opens. John Reid peers in
JR – “Why don’t we bomb them?”
EM – “Bomb who?”
JR – “Dunno. Whoever you’re talking about”
GB – ” Oh, f**k off John”
Reid leaves.
BBC – “Rumours suggest you plan to ensure such a situation does not occur again; is there any truth to this?”
DM – “Look, Sally, we want to create a society where everyone is equal and has the same opportunities. Scotland is a wonderful country, the people of Scotland have chosen to remain in our glorious union and perhaps it’s time to consider wether having free education, free prescriptions and a separate NHS in one part of these islands and not in the rest is really in the best interests of everyone”
BBC – “So, you intend to remove powers from the Scottish Government?”
DC – “Hehe Sally these things are very much in the pre discussion phase. Workable plans may take years, maybe months”
JL – “ooh alicsammins no gonny like that so he isny alicsammin”
AD – Well it’s about time, we’re all British after all”
EM – “Hear hear, well said that man”
GB -“Hehe the Nats are gonny take it right up the jacksy, once they start making cuts they’re finished!”
GB – “Osborne, what the f**k are you doing here?”
GO – “I’m not sure, aren’t I a member?”
BBC – “Finally Prime Minister, you’ve retained Scotland, the Liberal Democrats ratings are at an all time low due to failure to keep election promises, Labour have lost much of their support in Scotland and the rest of the UK because of their involvement with Better Together and their eagerness to adopt Tory policy and it looks as if the SNP may be in for a tough time ahead. It must be a good time to be a Conservative Prime Minister?”
Stares at camera and smiles
“I’m feeling pretty good right now Sally”
GB – “B*****d! If I didn’t know any better I’d say this is what the sod planned for all along!”
AD – “Oh come now Gordon you don’t really thi….”
Silence
ALL – “Oh fu….”
EXIT, LEFT WING
todayinscotland 