Better Together – The Pantomime (dodgy script, actors who muff their lines and a cast that hate each other) staggered through to the final weeks of campaigning with performances that had independence supporters soiling their pants with glee.
First up we had patronising BT lady, featuring in an ad straight out of Mad Men, who hadn’t really thought about the referendum then promptly decided to vote no two minutes later. During those jaw droppingly inane minutes she managed to lambast her husband Paul for daring to discuss the Future Of Our Country As We Know It over his Coco Pops and her kids for always having a phone in their hand. You know, a smartphone, that device that can access the sum of all human knowledge, ever.
I Imagine after it aired there was a flurry of activity among Nigerian generals and European lottery syndicates trying to find her email address. The ad was so unremittingly sexist that even the Italian press were compelled to say so. Read that again. When a country who categorises investigative journalism as trying to get a photograph up a female politicians skirt thinks it’s sexist, you’re done. Having a couple of rappers say ‘Yo bitches! Vote no!’ would have had more integrity and the population duly took to twitter with meme-tastic creativity.
The truly astounding thing about this mini work of art was that it was pitched, scripted, filmed and screened and it passed at every stage. Who commissioned it? The Rotary club?
Concerns have been raised about the poor actress being unemployable in the future but I’m sure she’ll fit right into her latest role;
“We’ve been looking for someone who’s vacuous with a poor grasp of current affairs and an ability to read from a script. Congratulations! You’re the new Labour candidate for Moray!”
Similarities between Jimbo Murphys 100 towns campaign and the 100 year war are few, the main one being that neither did what it said on the tin. After playing to crowds of several, it All Kicked Off in Kirkcaldy when an assailant from independence splinter group Mobility Scooters for Yes attempted to assassinate Oor Jimmy with a size one Grade A. Video footage suggested a second eggstremist on the grassy knoll beside Greggs though this was unconfirmed.* The grassroots Yes campaign are leaving no stone unturned to uncover the identity of the phantom ova thrower although curiously No Thanks aren’t.
Jamesy valiantly moved on to his next gig like a brave wee soldier bearing the scars of war, seemingly unaware that his comfortable MPs salary could have purchased a brand new shirt from the Primark up the road. Cue gnashing and wailing from the press as the sheer Guernica-scale horror of the nationalist movement was revealed in all it’s hideous glory. A casual non partisan observer may conclude that a) the independence campaign is incredibly benign by any standard and that
b) they really are shitting themselves.
News just in. Mr Murphy has returned to the campaign trail followed by a giant chicken. Fact.
When David Cameron announced the upgrading of the UK threat level the first thought in the minds of tens of thousands of Yes Face-bookers was,
“See! See! I fucking told ye!!”
This was quite possibly the most anti-climactic announcement of the whole campaign since such an event had been prophesied and discussed as far back as January on Facebook threads. Little has been said about exactly what the threat is and how severe it is but it’s safe to say it falls somewhere between ‘mildly uneasy’ and ‘get the pistol and the children Marjory, it’s time’.
Extremists planning to attack the UK because of the UKs foreign policy so it’s better to stay in…….the…..UK. Hmmm. Glad that’s sorted.
The ‘I Hate Scotland’ campaign continued to insist that it was actually supporters of independence who hated Scotland and indeed their own families with a series of high profile billboards. ‘I Love My Family so I’m voting No Thanks’ suggests a Yes vote can only mean you are a callous bastard who despises your own kin. I occasionally hate my family but that’s not why I’m voting Yes. If Mr Cameron wants a definition of Threat Level try going from ‘son who is unhappy he is not allowed to play his xbox’ to ‘son who has become the antichrist and is disassembling the contents of his room with a rage only previously seen in 28 Days Later’
It’s absolutely fine to dislike your family sometimes because let’s face it, sometimes they’re dicks. Imposing democracy, equality and a fairer society on them does not unfortunately count as a punishment.
An awful week was compounded when completely independent and non partisan pollsters YouGov published their latest poll which held bad news for the campaign that loves to shoot itself in the foot as well as kick itself in the balls, garrotte itself and bang it’s elbow. A three point swing separates us. Move over clowns, it’s time for the main attraction.
*Stolen from Steven McGuckin on Facebook, I laughed like a drain when I read it and thought it deserved another outing